Christopher Titus's biography

Christopher Titus is 58 years old comedian born at Castro Valley. He was born on Thursday 1st of October 1964. He is often nicknamed as Chris. According to year of birth 1964 he belongs to Boomers. Birthday on 1st of October means he is Libra. Libra sign depicts that it is all about “Balance”. It seems that their life is very balanced, however, things are way opposite as they always face unstable situations in order to balance it further.

He is citizen of United States of America. His primary profession is to be comedian. You can know him also as television actor, film actor, screenwriter. He is recently known as film producer.

Christopher Titus's schools

We found 1 school He attended. Name of the school: Newark Memorial High School.

Christopher Titus's career

His main focus is to be comedian.

What Christopher Titus has done for a first time

Welcomed first child, daughter Kennie Marie. The baby weighed 7 1/2lbs and was named after Chris's father. [August 2001]
In an interview (featured on the 6-disc DVD release of Titus (2000)'s first two seasons), he states that he preferred the cancellation of "Titus" because it pushed the envelope and not because it wasn't funny.

Christopher Titus's quotes

Oh yeah, I'm mentally screwed up for life. But I look good.
I believe life is about balance. My mom was brilliant, yet manipulative. Beautiful, but had more voices in her head than the Wu-Tang Clan. Loves her kids, killed her last husband. I say last husband because you don't get another one after that.
I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.
Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.
I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.
Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.
Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.
You don't get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.
My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to get mad enough to make the paper.
Many massacres have happened when people yell surprise! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't.
Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett!
There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says We've got a family members of yours under arrest and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those... And they are all my Mom!
I lost 28 pounds in my divorce...because that's what a soul weighs.
Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, 100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer... Dad, you know, keeping up with the song.
I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I've completed a thirty-year seminar on the power of destroying relationships.
And one more thing I want to be clear about- I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.
Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. Screwed-up people start wars that could kill millions. Normal people settle fights through cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat.
My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.
After President Obama, President Rodriguez... What's the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better?
Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.
Love. It's God's greatest gift. He fills our world with it and makes sure we grow up with caring, supportive parents. I'm just kidding. Pain is God's greatest gift. Pain is God's way of saying, Hurts, don't it ? Well, go ahead. Say, me dammit again.
Hey! D'you guys hear Dr. Atkins died? Slipped on some ice, hit his head, died on life support. The man who invented the all-meat diet... died a vegetable. That's a damn good joke. But that joke's like a Toyota Camry - reliable, not inspiring.
Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.
Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.
A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.
Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies.
The normal make a living. The deranged make history.
I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.
A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he's too big to eat.
Satan called - he's changed the sheets, fluffed the pillows and laid out the complimentary chocolate. Hell is ready for John Edwards.
Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils.
I bet a guy at a bar 50 bucks that I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped him. I'm very competitive.
Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation.
At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?' 'Oh, honey - that's up to mommy, isn't it?
The day I'm in England performing, English security let a man in a Batman suit climb Buckingham Palace. I felt so much safer... Batman was on the wall of Buckingham Palace for five hours. Wouldn't happen in America - three minutes: dead Batman.
I don't tell people I'm white anymore - I'm albino-Cambodian.
The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!
How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.
The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brought a new life into the world, and the world's over. Nice timing, numbnuts!
I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.
Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program.
I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.
Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't die?
They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks and made him do jumping jacks. You know, if it can't get you into a fraternity at Chico State University, it's not torture.
We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in the sitcom vain but totally different.
My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly.
I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't function.
Pope John Paul didn't die - he pre-boarded.
I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.
Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.
And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don't up a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don't put a mental patient on a hunting trip with you!
Consider Palin for President? The most powerful job on earth? You don't give the dumb cheerleader the Uzi. That's in the Bible.
Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh.
The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?
Terrorists, oh I'm sorry, Fox News tells us it's all illegal immigration's fault but it's not their fault, it's ours.
We're looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light.
The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.
Psychiatrists are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.
For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.
Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.
My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.
We don't have home movies in my family. We have people's exhibit A.
My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.
Jealousy - the Auschwitz of emotions.
I have a dream! Because I have lived a nightmare.
We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro.
Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.
Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the mall with you... he... loves you.
And my daughter's too smart. She gets it watching TV. She gets it. She's five. She gets it. I... I have a smart kid; I don't want a smart kid. I'm gonna start feedin' her lead paint chips just to bring her down.
Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn't a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master.
You don't give out trophies for losing. Trophies for sucking. That's a communist idea. You don't get a trophy for losing. You get a piece of pizza and you shut up. Trophies for losing? What the hell happened to us?
If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Ken Titus taped a hotel key to his underwear to score with an airport security guard.
Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.
Step up or step aside.
Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?
Benadryl - the seven-dollar babysitter.
Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony.
My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!
Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn't die?
To be successful in life, there are many hurdles you have to get over. For me, the biggest hurdle to success has always been failure. But, growing up, my Dad was always positive... that I'd never amount to anything.
Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.
It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you're caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove my point.
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.
Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!
I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006. Yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon spawned from Satan's anus. But for legal reasons, I have to call her, Kate.
This horrible decade where all of us men tried to be individual rebels... by wearing the exact same flaming skull on a bedazzled Ed Hardy thermal. I have three of them, I'm not laughing at you I'm laughing with you.
Thomas Jefferson said, The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. Yeah and I heard that and thought, I'm out!
At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.
The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick.
If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend!
Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!
Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.
Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, You gotta nail her!
Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.
Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!
There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you Joe and that's it!
The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.
My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha.
And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group.
Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we'll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can't keep having them!
My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect.
I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.
In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink.
If you ask my dad for help... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck at the time.
By the way, six A.M.? Not a real great time for me; you know, I'm a comic. I get off work at two. Six A.M., I'm a little grumpy. Six A.M., I'm a little P.O.ed. Six A.M., I'm like a vampire with a paper route.
They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.
So what if your custom car shop tanks and you've gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with ignorant, pushy people. I'm okay with that, 'cause I'm an ignorant, pushy people person.
My parents' divorce settlement involved a bar tab.
I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver out of a drifter and gave it to my father! 'Cause my dad's a drinker and I love my dad. And for eighty bucks, you can do anything in Mexico!
If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.
I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. You know what else he did? He made everybody else without dreams feel real bad.
When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. Some say, it's the only time we're perfect. You're also born covered in blood and placenta. No one gets nostalgic about that.
The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. My dad always taught me to live like that. Dad wrote a poem too. It goes, Dune buggies. Woohoo!
My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is a hunk of meat to block buck shot. Told you dad needed me. Who's the best man now?
When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. I believed everything and everyone. Then, I met my parents!
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Christopher Titus's body shape

Lets describe how Christopher Titus looks. We will focus on his body shape. Body build is average.

Christopher Titus